We're Taught to Hate Our Bodies. Unlearning Body Shame.

How would you describe your relationship with your body?

When I'm working with a client, we explore the various factors that have negatively impacted their relationship with their body since they were young, like my obsession with this movie.

What comes up for you when you reflect on the forces that have shaped your relationship with your body? What harmful messages or narratives have you internalized?

Like my clients, I invite you to consider that you didn’t come into this world hating your body but rather were taught to have an adversarial relationship with it. 

A Crappy Inheritance
In her book The Body Is Not An Apology, Sonya Renee Taylor elaborates on our indoctrinated body shame:

“We did not start life in a negative partnership with our bodies. I have never seen a toddler lament the size of their thighs, the squishiness of their bellies. Children do not arrive here ashamed of their race, gender, age, or disabilities. 

Babies love their bodies! Each discovery they encounter is freaking awesome. Have you ever seen an infant realize they have feet? Talk about wonder! That is what an unobstructed relationship with our bodies looks like. 

You were an infant once, which means there was a time when you thought your body was freaking awesome too. 

Connecting to that memory may feel as distant as the furthest star. It may not be a memory you can access at all, but just knowing that there was a point in your history when you once loved your body can be a reminder that body shame is a fantastically crappy inheritance. We didn’t give it to ourselves, and we are not obligated to keep it.”

Transformation is Possible
What’s it like to consider that you once viewed your body with delight and wonder—and that it’s not your fault if you no longer do? 

We live in a world that teaches us to see our bodies as flawed. This makes it really tough to have a positive relationship with your body, however, you don’t have to settle for a crappy one. 

If you desire to have a better relationship with your body, perhaps one that feels peaceful, loving, tender, compassionate, respectful, celebratory, liberatory or just neutral, I encourage you to trust that it is possible.

So, where to start? Some first steps could include reading material like The Body Is Not An Apology, Reclaiming Body Trust, More Than A Body and Burnt Toast.

I also recommend joining safe like-minded communities, like the one Burnt Toast offers, and being more intentional with the messaging you consume, including moving away from body-shaming content on social media, TV, podcasts, etc.

If you’re like me and many of my clients, you’ll find that transforming your relationship with your body is an ongoing process, one that includes a lot of ups and downs and learning and unlearning. 

For most of us, it’s not a fast, easy or linear journey with a final destination. But it’s a very worthwhile one, especially when you consider the alternative as Taylor describes:

“Hating your body is like finding a person you despise and then choosing to spend the rest of your life with them while loathing every moment of the partnership.”

Everybody deserves to have the wonder-filled, shame-free relationship with their body that they came into the world with—including you. Don’t settle for anything less.

My Exercise Police Ran Me Ragged. How I Finally Broke Free.

How would you describe your relationship with exercise?

Since I was a kid, I’ve loved moving my body in all sorts of ways, from riding my big wheel and playing hide-and-seek in my neighborhood to roller skating at the local rink and dancing around my family room while watching Fame. 

I participated on my school’s soccer, swim and volleyball teams and got my first pair of hand weights on my 15th birthday. 

I was also an aerobics fanatic for years (starting with Jane Fonda in the early 80s) before moving on to other activities like Tae Bo, spinning, hiking, pilates and yoga. 

Ran Me Ragged
During my most intense dieting years, I became obsessed with working out, especially with running. 

I pounded the pavement early every morning, meticulously tracked the miles I ran and the calories I burned, and trained nonstop for marathons. 

I ran in crappy weather, when I was hungry, ill and injured, and when I was supposed to be at work. I almost missed more than one flight because I just had to squeeze in a few more miles before I left for the airport.

While I loved running, my relationship with it at that time was extremely disordered and unhealthy. It wasn’t driven by my body’s needs but rather it was dictated by my Exercise Police, a very strict internal voice that was running me ragged.

Enforce Exercise Rules
Like your internal Food Police, the voice in your head that tries to enforce food moralism and the unreasonable food rules our diet and wellness cultures have created, your inner Exercise Police is the voice in your head that tries to enforce rules regarding what is and isn’t acceptable when it comes to movement.

My Exercise Police voice was bossy, relentless and terribly fatphobic. Perhaps you can relate to some of these things it would say to me…

• It’s not considered exercise unless you get your heart rate up or break a sweat. 

• You must work out for at least # minutes otherwise it doesn’t count.

• You can’t stop until you go a certain distance or time or burn a specific number of calories.

• If you skip a workout, you need to eat less to make up for it.

• No matter how your body is feeling, you have to do the workout you planned.

• It’s not worth it if it doesn’t burn very many calories.

• If you don’t work out today, you’ll have to work out twice as hard tomorrow.

• You don’t have the right body for that sport or type of exercise.

• If you eat “badly,” you have to work out to make up for it.

• If you want a “bad” food, you have to work out to earn it.

• If you don’t exercise, you’re bad, lazy, undisciplined and unhealthy.

• If you miss one workout, you’ll lose strength and stamina and gain weight.

• If it doesn’t result in weight loss, there’s no point in doing it.

Does any of this sound familiar? I bet you can think of some rules that aren't on this list. 

Squash Joy and Connection
Like me, when your Exercise Police voice is driving your decision-making, you may find yourself frequently ignoring the messages your body is sending you, like pain or fatigue, to adhere to your exercise rules. 

You may also find yourself feeling less motivated to move, dreading your workouts, pushing your body beyond its limits, experiencing frequent injuries, exercising when you’re sick and in perilous weather, or prioritizing exercise over friends and family.

With its very black-and-white, all-or-nothing approach to movement, your Exercise Police likely amplifies your stress rather than alleviates it, leaves you feeling depleted instead of invigorated, and makes you feel guilty and ashamed when you break a rule.

Basically, your Exercise Police sucks all the fun and joy out of movement and disconnects you from your innate body wisdom.

How to Break Free
The good news is that you can break free from your internal Exercise Police by recognizing its presence, challenging its commands, defying its rules, and giving yourself permission to experiment with other possibilities based on what feels right to you and your body.

Instead of adhering to external rules, plans or authorities when it comes to movement (and eating!), listen to your internal cues. This means checking in with your body and honoring what it truly needs and desires.

Perhaps it’s gentle stretching instead of a fast-paced yoga class, a relaxing walk versus a vigorous run, or a kitchen dance party rather than a boot camp workout. 

Or maybe it’s a rest day, a soak in the tub, or a nap!

Intuitive Movement
Asking yourself the following questions can help move you toward a more intuitive, flexible, balanced and enjoyable relationship with movement.

• What does my body truly need and desire right now?

• Why am I doing this? What’s my motivation and does it align with my values?   

• If this activity had zero capacity to decrease my weight, would I still do it?

• How is this movement making me feel?

• Does this feel kind and respectful to my body?

• Does this feel pleasurable or punitive?

• Is this alleviating or amplifying my stress?

• Is this energizing or exhausting me?

• What would a more flexible, balanced approach look like?

• Am I having fun right now? If not, what would be more fun?

Questions like these helped me transform my relationship with movement and continue to be a source of support whenever my Exercise Police voice tries to take control and enforce its rules. Yes, just like my Food Police voice, after all these years it still occasionally pops up.

Beware of Exercise Moralism
Despite what our diet, wellness and fitness cultures want us to believe, exercise isn’t a moral obligation. 

How you choose to move your body, including choosing to not exercise at all, isn’t a reflection of your moral character. It's also important to keep in mind that it's a privilege to even have a choice.

Just like with food, your exercise choices do not make you a good or bad, superior or inferior person.

What matters most is that you honor what works the best for you and feels the best for your body.

Sadly, it took me many years and multiple injuries before I was willing to admit that my relationship with exercise—and my body—needed to change. 

I’m grateful I finally did the hard work required to break free from my Exercise Police and all its harmful rules as doing so improved almost every aspect of my life. 

It also restored the sense of ease, freedom and fun I experienced with movement when I was a kid—but not the desire to somersault down a hill again!

WTH, I'm on Vacation! Pass the Brie, Please.

What’s your experience with vacation eating?

From armfuls of crusty baguettes loaded with brie in France to mountains of sweet cannoli in Italy to endless bowls of guacamole and chips in Mexico, I can recall many trips taken years ago when my food decisions were driven by a “WTH, I’m on vacation!” mindset.

In my head, my reasoning sounded something like “I rarely let myself eat food like this but since I’m on vacation, I’m going to give myself permission to indulge. And, you better believe I’m going to go for it because once I’m back home, these foods will be off-limits again.”

I’d inevitably return from vacation feeling uncomfortable in my body and anxious to make up for the “damage” I had done.

My so-called free pass to indulge wasn’t truly free as I believed I had to compensate for my actions. This is, after all, what diet culture teaches us.

Think about it: How many times have you or someone you’re vacationing with said something along the lines of “I’m really going to have to make up for all this eating when I get home!” or “My diet starts the day I return!” or “I’m cutting carbs the moment I land!”?

Food Lost Its Power
Once I started giving myself unconditional permission to eat whatever I wanted whenever I wanted, I naturally stopped approaching my vacation eating what a WTH mentality. 

Since I ditched all my food rules, I no longer have anything to rebel against or feel guilty about. 

As nothing is forbidden anymore, food has lost its high reward value, intensity and power over me. It’s no longer an obsession, indulgence or something I’m only allowed to have in certain situations, like while on vacation.

No Need to Go for It
Of course, I still get excited to try the local specialties and take tremendous pleasure in doing so. It’s one of my favorite parts of traveling. 

But because there’s no threat of future deprivation—that is, a post-vacation diet, detox, cleanse, fast, reset, reboot, clean eating mandate, etc.—I don’t feel the need to “go for it,” which is a natural human response when restriction is looming around the corner. 

This doesn’t mean I don’t sometimes eat past comfortable fullness. I absolutely do, especially when something is really delicious and truly unavailable back home. I shared before how this is a normal reaction to scarcity.

The difference now is that when I feel overly full, it’s no big deal. I just move on rather than ruminate on what I once believed was a lack of self-control and a transgression I needed to punish myself for. 

And because I’m no longer preoccupied with my eating, I’m able to be so much more present during my travels, which makes for a much more enjoyable experience for everyone involved.

Whether you’re about to embark on a vacation or just going about your daily life, I encourage you to remember that, despite what diet culture wants you to believe, you do not need special permission to eat what you want, you do not have to feel guilty about your choices, and you do not ever have to make up for your eating.