We're Taught to Hate Our Bodies. Unlearning Body Shame.

How would you describe your relationship with your body?

When I'm working with a client, we explore the various factors that have negatively impacted their relationship with their body since they were young, like my obsession with this movie.

What comes up for you when you reflect on the forces that have shaped your relationship with your body? What harmful messages or narratives have you internalized?

Like my clients, I invite you to consider that you didn’t come into this world hating your body but rather were taught to have an adversarial relationship with it. 

A Crappy Inheritance
In her book The Body Is Not An Apology, Sonya Renee Taylor elaborates on our indoctrinated body shame:

“We did not start life in a negative partnership with our bodies. I have never seen a toddler lament the size of their thighs, the squishiness of their bellies. Children do not arrive here ashamed of their race, gender, age, or disabilities. 

Babies love their bodies! Each discovery they encounter is freaking awesome. Have you ever seen an infant realize they have feet? Talk about wonder! That is what an unobstructed relationship with our bodies looks like. 

You were an infant once, which means there was a time when you thought your body was freaking awesome too. 

Connecting to that memory may feel as distant as the furthest star. It may not be a memory you can access at all, but just knowing that there was a point in your history when you once loved your body can be a reminder that body shame is a fantastically crappy inheritance. We didn’t give it to ourselves, and we are not obligated to keep it.”

Transformation is Possible
What’s it like to consider that you once viewed your body with delight and wonder—and that it’s not your fault if you no longer do? 

We live in a world that teaches us to see our bodies as flawed. This makes it really tough to have a positive relationship with your body, however, you don’t have to settle for a crappy one. 

If you desire to have a better relationship with your body, perhaps one that feels peaceful, loving, tender, compassionate, respectful, celebratory, liberatory or just neutral, I encourage you to trust that it is possible.

So, where to start? Some first steps could include reading material like The Body Is Not An Apology, Reclaiming Body Trust, More Than A Body and Burnt Toast.

I also recommend joining safe like-minded communities, like the one Burnt Toast offers, and being more intentional with the messaging you consume, including moving away from body-shaming content on social media, TV, podcasts, etc.

If you’re like me and many of my clients, you’ll find that transforming your relationship with your body is an ongoing process, one that includes a lot of ups and downs and learning and unlearning. 

For most of us, it’s not a fast, easy or linear journey with a final destination. But it’s a very worthwhile one, especially when you consider the alternative as Taylor describes:

“Hating your body is like finding a person you despise and then choosing to spend the rest of your life with them while loathing every moment of the partnership.”

Everybody deserves to have the wonder-filled, shame-free relationship with their body that they came into the world with—including you. Don’t settle for anything less.

What I'm Tuning Into [Top Reads & Podcasts]

Every now and then, I like to share what I’m tuning into when it comes to diet culture, body diversity, Intuitive Eating, Health at Every Size and more.

It’s my hope that the following content will help support you on your journey toward a more peaceful relationship with food and your body.

Why Most Diets Don’t Work—and What to Try Instead [Popular Science]
“Something society doesn’t quite grasp yet is that weight is really, really hard to control. When somebody gains weight or their diet fails, they blame themselves rather than the thousands of forces that are conspiring to keep that weight on and to make you gain more weight.”

How to Help Your Kids Build a Healthy Relationship with Food [Popular Science]
“Because it’s so easy for caregivers to pass on their own disordered eating patterns, an important first step in setting healthy standards for your child’s eating is to examine your own relationship with food.”

The Dieter’s Diet [Bustle]
”Noom, the popular weight loss app, promises to teach you how to eat better, not less. (Except also, eat less.)”

For more on this, head on over to Virginia Sole-Smith’s follow-up piece. I also highly recommend her book, The Eating Instinct.

How to Fight Diet Culture at Your Family Dinner Table [Outside]
“Our kids are listening when we talk about ‘earning’ dessert with a hard hike or long bike ride, or when we call their Goldfish crackers ‘junk’ and try to steer them toward farmers’ market veggies instead. And they’re watching when we cut out gluten or stare critically at our thighs or our abs in the mirror."

You’re Showing Up in the World, and Nobody is Fooled [Burnt Toast]
If getting dressed in the morning, shopping for clothes and following fashion “rules” are all major stressors for you, then tune into this conversation between writer Virginia Sole-Smith and weight-inclusive personal stylist Dacy Gillespie of Mindful Closet.

“These ideas that that style is not for you, that you can’t take up space, that you can’t just be the physical person that you are, and that you should strive for an optical illusion that makes you appear smaller, which we then call 'flattering.' And that 'flattering' should be the priority above all else.”

Weight-Focused ‘Workplace Wellness’ Programs Drive Stigma and Inequity. Let’s Leave Them Behind [Self]
“Life is hard enough for workers of all kinds. Weight-focused workplace wellness programs could harm employees’ mental health in the short term, their physical health in the long term, and their pay in the immediate future. As we return to in-person work, let’s make the choice to decrease stigma and increase equity. Let’s leave workplace wellness programs in the past where they belong.”

I’m a big fan of all of Aubrey Gordon’s (a.k.a. Your Fat Friend) work and encourage you to check out her book, What We Don’t Talk About When We Talk About Fat, and her highly rated podcast, Maintenance Phase.

I hope you find this content to be informative, insightful and, ultimately, liberating. Tremendous gratitude to all of these paradigm-shifting individuals for making our world a better place.