My Exercise Police Ran Me Ragged. How I Finally Broke Free.

How would you describe your relationship with exercise?

Since I was a kid, I’ve loved moving my body in all sorts of ways, from riding my big wheel and playing hide-and-seek in my neighborhood to roller skating at the local rink and dancing around my family room while watching Fame. 

I participated on my school’s soccer, swim and volleyball teams and got my first pair of hand weights on my 15th birthday. 

I was also an aerobics fanatic for years (starting with Jane Fonda in the early 80s) before moving on to other activities like Tae Bo, spinning, hiking, pilates and yoga. 

Ran Me Ragged
During my most intense dieting years, I became obsessed with working out, especially with running. 

I pounded the pavement early every morning, meticulously tracked the miles I ran and the calories I burned, and trained nonstop for marathons. 

I ran in crappy weather, when I was hungry, ill and injured, and when I was supposed to be at work. I almost missed more than one flight because I just had to squeeze in a few more miles before I left for the airport.

While I loved running, my relationship with it at that time was extremely disordered and unhealthy. It wasn’t driven by my body’s needs but rather it was dictated by my Exercise Police, a very strict internal voice that was running me ragged.

Enforce Exercise Rules
Like your internal Food Police, the voice in your head that tries to enforce food moralism and the unreasonable food rules our diet and wellness cultures have created, your inner Exercise Police is the voice in your head that tries to enforce rules regarding what is and isn’t acceptable when it comes to movement.

My Exercise Police voice was bossy, relentless and terribly fatphobic. Perhaps you can relate to some of these things it would say to me…

• It’s not considered exercise unless you get your heart rate up or break a sweat. 

• You must work out for at least # minutes otherwise it doesn’t count.

• You can’t stop until you go a certain distance or time or burn a specific number of calories.

• If you skip a workout, you need to eat less to make up for it.

• No matter how your body is feeling, you have to do the workout you planned.

• It’s not worth it if it doesn’t burn very many calories.

• If you don’t work out today, you’ll have to work out twice as hard tomorrow.

• You don’t have the right body for that sport or type of exercise.

• If you eat “badly,” you have to work out to make up for it.

• If you want a “bad” food, you have to work out to earn it.

• If you don’t exercise, you’re bad, lazy, undisciplined and unhealthy.

• If you miss one workout, you’ll lose strength and stamina and gain weight.

• If it doesn’t result in weight loss, there’s no point in doing it.

Does any of this sound familiar? I bet you can think of some rules that aren't on this list. 

Squash Joy and Connection
Like me, when your Exercise Police voice is driving your decision-making, you may find yourself frequently ignoring the messages your body is sending you, like pain or fatigue, to adhere to your exercise rules. 

You may also find yourself feeling less motivated to move, dreading your workouts, pushing your body beyond its limits, experiencing frequent injuries, exercising when you’re sick and in perilous weather, or prioritizing exercise over friends and family.

With its very black-and-white, all-or-nothing approach to movement, your Exercise Police likely amplifies your stress rather than alleviates it, leaves you feeling depleted instead of invigorated, and makes you feel guilty and ashamed when you break a rule.

Basically, your Exercise Police sucks all the fun and joy out of movement and disconnects you from your innate body wisdom.

How to Break Free
The good news is that you can break free from your internal Exercise Police by recognizing its presence, challenging its commands, defying its rules, and giving yourself permission to experiment with other possibilities based on what feels right to you and your body.

Instead of adhering to external rules, plans or authorities when it comes to movement (and eating!), listen to your internal cues. This means checking in with your body and honoring what it truly needs and desires.

Perhaps it’s gentle stretching instead of a fast-paced yoga class, a relaxing walk versus a vigorous run, or a kitchen dance party rather than a boot camp workout. 

Or maybe it’s a rest day, a soak in the tub, or a nap!

Intuitive Movement
Asking yourself the following questions can help move you toward a more intuitive, flexible, balanced and enjoyable relationship with movement.

• What does my body truly need and desire right now?

• Why am I doing this? What’s my motivation and does it align with my values?   

• If this activity had zero capacity to decrease my weight, would I still do it?

• How is this movement making me feel?

• Does this feel kind and respectful to my body?

• Does this feel pleasurable or punitive?

• Is this alleviating or amplifying my stress?

• Is this energizing or exhausting me?

• What would a more flexible, balanced approach look like?

• Am I having fun right now? If not, what would be more fun?

Questions like these helped me transform my relationship with movement and continue to be a source of support whenever my Exercise Police voice tries to take control and enforce its rules. Yes, just like my Food Police voice, after all these years it still occasionally pops up.

Beware of Exercise Moralism
Despite what our diet, wellness and fitness cultures want us to believe, exercise isn’t a moral obligation. 

How you choose to move your body, including choosing to not exercise at all, isn’t a reflection of your moral character. It's also important to keep in mind that it's a privilege to even have a choice.

Just like with food, your exercise choices do not make you a good or bad, superior or inferior person.

What matters most is that you honor what works the best for you and feels the best for your body.

Sadly, it took me many years and multiple injuries before I was willing to admit that my relationship with exercise—and my body—needed to change. 

I’m grateful I finally did the hard work required to break free from my Exercise Police and all its harmful rules as doing so improved almost every aspect of my life. 

It also restored the sense of ease, freedom and fun I experienced with movement when I was a kid—but not the desire to somersault down a hill again!

I Used to Track Hit Songs. Before Calories Came Along.

Yesterday, I was reflecting on how when I was a kid, New Year’s Eve meant lying for hours on the brown shag carpet in our family room in front of our large stereo credenza.  

Every year, I would excitedly attempt to write down every song on our local radio station’s countdown of the top 100 songs of the year. 

This was the early 80s, so a list wasn’t available online. I had to create my own.

I tried to stay glued to the radio as much as possible so I could track each song when it was announced and played. I remember anxiously scrambling back to my spot after a bathroom break to ensure I didn’t miss anything. 

I kept those lists for a few years so I could reflect on the hit songs and what was going on in my life at that time, like favorite outfits, crushes, roller-skating parties and sleepovers.

Tracking My Body
Sadly, as I grew older, my list-making changed from recording fun things like popular songs to meticulously tracking calories, good and bad foods consumed, workout days, miles ran, the number on the scale—all the things diet culture tells us we need to vigilantly monitor to achieve our ideal body.

While tracking these things often gave me a sense of accomplishment when I did the “right” thing, they also caused tremendous distress, anxiety and guilt when I didn’t. 

My tracking kept me overly preoccupied with my eating, exercise and body. 

And, it consumed a ton of my time, energy and headspace. (It was especially time-consuming as apps didn’t exist back then to simplify the process; much of my tracking was done on paper and eventually on spreadsheets.)

Disordered and Disconnected
If you have a history of dieting, you are likely quite familiar with tracking things like pounds, calories, points, carbs, macros, workouts, steps, hours between meals, etc. 

And, maybe like me, you eventually started to realize what you thought was helpful was actually harmful, that all your tracking was contributing to an unsatisfying and disordered relationship with food, exercise and your body and preventing you from living a full and fulfilling life.

Once I stopped tracking, I began to see how much it had disconnected me from my body. 

Eating decisions were often made based on what I was allowed to have according to my food tracking rather than what my body needed or wanted. 

Exercise decisions were often made based on what workout I had recorded the day prior or how much I ate the night before not on what my body needed or wanted in that moment. 

If I Did Track…
I don’t track anything these days but if I did, I hope it would be all the ways I treat my body with love, respect, care and tenderness and all the things I do to expand my life rather than shrink it. 

But far more importantly, if I did track anything, I'd like it to be all the meaningful things I hope I'm doing to enrich the lives of others, alleviate suffering and make the world a better place.