What to Do When Someone Polices Your Eating

Do you ever feel like you’re being patrolled by the food police, whether it’s a family member, partner, friend, co-worker or even a stranger?

Food policing sounds something like:

• Should you really be eating that?

• Gosh, you're eating again?

• Do you really need more?

• You sure can put it away!

• Don’t you know how bad that is for you?

• Wow! You must really be hungry!

• Once on your lips, forever on your hips.

• Are you really going to eat all of that?

• Looks like you'll need to hit the gym tomorrow.

• I can't believe you're eating that!

• Someone's being naughty!
  

If you’ve ever been the victim of food policing, you know it’s never helpful. More often than not, it leaves you feeling humiliated, guilty, ashamed, angry, resentful or rebellious—or all of the above!

Regardless of the food cop’s intentions, you have the right to eat whatever you want—whenever, wherever and however you want it—without having someone negatively comment on, criticize, judge or question your choices.

Set Firm Boundaries
When the food police show up, it’s important to stand up for yourself by setting and protecting your boundaries. How you do so will naturally depend on the situation, however, here are some responses to consider.

• I know you mean well, but your comments are not helpful.

• What I eat is truly none of your business.

• I trust myself to give my body what it needs.

• I trust my body to tell me what it needs.

• Please don’t make comments about my eating.

• Yes, I am going to eat it and I won’t stand for being shamed about it.

• Who hired you to police my eating? Please don't do it again.

• You mind your own plate and I'll mind mine.

• You’re out of line. It’s absolutely not okay to criticize my food choices.

• Yes, I am going to eat this, and I'm going to savor every. single. bite.

• I’m completely capable of making my own food decisions; there’s absolutely no need for you to get involved.

• How I’m eating works for me!

• Say nothing, blow the food cop a kiss, then walk away to enjoy your food in peace.
  

Guilty of Food Policing?
Perhaps you’re guilty of policing other people’s food choices. I'm sorry to say I’ve done it myself in the past, especially during my orthorexic days, and have worked hard to change my ways.

Not only is it important to set your own boundaries, it’s equally important to respect other people’s boundaries, too.

If you catch yourself stepping into the role of the food police, hit the brakes. Should a comment slip out, immediately apologize.

Remembering how it feels to be on the receiving end of an unsolicited negative food comment will help you think twice before you open your mouth.

Your Internal Food Police
In addition to external food police, many of us struggle with internal food police.

These are the voices in your head that try to enforce food moralism and the unreasonable rules our diet and wellness cultures have created. They make you feel bad, guilty and ashamed about your eating.

If you desire a peaceful relationship with food, you must fire your internal food police by challenging your food rules and removing any moralism and judgment surrounding food. Doing so is a critical step toward reclaiming the Intuitive Eater within you.

How to Stop Feeling Guilty About Your Eating

Does your eating often make you feel guilty?

When you feel guilty about your eating, it’s likely a sign you have a “food rule” you’d benefit from challenging.

A food rule is a belief regarding what is or isn’t allowed when it comes to your eating. Here are some common ones:

• No eating after 7 p.m.

• I can only eat a set number of macros, calories or points a day.

• No snacking between meals.

• High-carb foods are off-limits (e.g., greens are good; bread and pasta are bad).

• Every meal must contain a certain number of protein grams.

• I’m allowed one cheat day a week.

• Foods made with white flour, added sugars, etc. are forbidden.

• If it’s not organic, I can’t eat it.

• Gluten is a no-no (even though I don’t have celiac disease or a gluten intolerance).

• I shouldn’t eat if I’m not hungry.

• Sugary drinks, processed foods and fast food are prohibited.

• Sweets can only be eaten on the weekend.

• No seconds.

Naturally, when you follow your rules, you likely feel proud, successful and good about yourself.

When you don’t adhere to your rules, you likely feel guilty, like a failure and bad about yourself. Breaking your rules may also trigger feelings of shame, stress, anxiety, fear, frustration, disappointment, anger and hopelessness.


Well-Intentioned, Often Problematic
Although often well-intentioned, there are many problems with food rules. For example, they…

• Disregard your body’s wisdom and needs, including its internal cues of hunger, fullness and satisfaction.

• Dictate your food choices regardless of how your body feels.

• Dismiss your food preferences and desires.

• Generate feelings of deprivation, which often results in obsessive food thoughts, intense cravings and frequent overeating.

• Provoke a make-up mentality (e.g., I must compensate for eating dessert by skipping breakfast or exercising longer tomorrow).

• Inject unwarranted morality into your relationship with food (e.g., I'm good if I eat this, bad if I eat that).

• Cultivate a mistrustful relationship with yourself, your body and food.

• Lead to secret eating, social anxiety and isolation (e.g., I’ll be too tempted to eat bad foods at the party; it’s safer to just stay home.).

• Prevent you from being flexible, relaxed and spontaneous in different eating environments and having fun with food.

• Decrease self-esteem and self-confidence.

• Consume headspace, time and energy that could be devoted to more fulfilling, meaningful, productive and pleasurable things.

Challenge Your Rules
If you want to stop experiencing all the unnecessary guilt and suffering your food rules cause, I encourage you to identify and challenge them, including examining how they impact you and your life.

With a curious, nonjudgmental mind, ask yourself:

Where did this rule come from? Is it helpful or harmful? Is it based on my own internal experience or an external source (e.g., diet or wellness culture)? Is it truly honoring, respecting and being kind to my body? Is it reasonable, sustainable, pleasurable and satisfying? Is it flexible enough for my life? Is it preventing me from having a peaceful relationship with food and living my life fully?


Follow the Clues
Some of your rules may be top of mind and others may be buried deeper, like lingering rules from past diets or your childhood home you aren’t aware you’re still adhering to.

If you’re unsure if you have food rules, pay attention to “should” or “shouldn’t” thoughts and feelings like guilt, shame, stress and anxiety that arise from your eating. These clues will point you toward your rules.

If you have trouble identifying or releasing your food rules, yet know you would benefit from doing so, consider getting support from an Intuitive Eating-informed practitioner.

Despite what our diet culture wants you to believe, you and your body can be trusted. You absolutely have the innate capacity to nourish yourself without following food rules or feeling any guilt.

Do You Play Hide & Eat?

Have you ever played Hide & Eat?

Also known as sneak eating or secret eating, it looks something like this:

As soon as her co-workers leave the room, Kim snatches a handful of leftover cookies and quickly throws them into her bag. She declined them during the meeting secretly hoping there’d be leftovers she could eat alone at home.

Once everyone is asleep, Janice sneaks into the kitchen, quietly opens the freezer door and grabs a pint of ice cream, which she hurriedly eats while standing in the dark.

When Jack goes to the restroom, Jim stuffs the last slice of pizza into his mouth before the waiter comes to clear the table and his friend returns.

Val keeps a stash of chocolate bars hidden in the back of her sock drawer. She eats them in bed while watching TV, then buries the wrappers in the trashcan so her roommates won’t see them.

Perhaps, like me, you can you relate to these stories. During my dieting years, I mastered the game of Hide & Eat!

Why We Play Hide & Eat
There are many very valid reasons why you might play Hide & Eat. Following are just a few.

• You’ve internalized diet-culture messaging that assigns moral value to food and judges people as good or bad based on their food choices (i.e., if you eat something "bad," you're bad).

• You don’t want to tarnish your reputation as a “healthy person,” "clean eater” or “dedicated dieter.”

• You fear it’s unacceptable to eat certain foods (or eat at all) because of the size of your body, what you've already eaten, or your lack of exercise.

• You don’t want anyone to witness what you believe is a lack of willpower, discipline or self-control.

• You’re afraid of the external food police making comments about your food choices, like “Do you really think you should be eating that?” or “I thought you gave up sugar!”

• You love the thrill of rebelling against a restrictive diet or watchful partner or parent, yet don't want to suffer the consequences of getting caught.

• If no one sees you breaking your food rules or eating a forbidden food, it didn't happen or doesn't count.

• You’re experiencing an uncomfortable emotion, such as anxiety, sadness, loneliness, and long ago learned to hide your feelings, retreat from the world, and self-soothe with food.

Conditioned to Play
Although it can feel really shameful and embarrassing, your desire to play Hide & Eat is completely understandable.

Most likely, from a very young age, you’​​​​​​​ve been conditioned (like most of us) by our insidious, pervasive diet culture to believe that much of your value and worth is determined by your size, shape and what’s on our plate.

This deeply ingrained, shame-triggering social construct can easily compel you to hide any behavior that could potentially be considered bad and ultimately jeopardize people’s perception and acceptance of you.

The risk of being seen feels too great.

Not Your Fault
None of this is your fault. You’re simply trying to protect yourself from painful perceived threats, like judgment, criticism and rejection.

But, as you may know all too well, playing Hide & Eat is not a very fun game. It’s a fear-based, shame-driven activity that’s exhausting, demoralizing and disempowering.

Plus, it’s hard to enjoy whatever it is you’re eating when you’re anxiously consuming it at a fast and furious pace while crouched in a dark corner trying not to make any noise.

The good news is you can come out of hiding whenever you’re ready.

You Can Walk Away
Walking away from the game of Hide & Eat can take a lot of courage and self-compassion, especially if you’ve been playing it for a long time.

It’s best to take small steps, like setting boundaries with the Food Police in your life or experimenting with eating a forbidden food out in the open, perhaps with a supportive friend.

Disrupting the pattern of secret eating requires reassuring and proving to your scared self that it is safe to eat whatever and whenever you want and that your needs and desires are always valid.

Of course, if you are in a situation where you truly don't feel safe being seen eating, especially certain foods, by all means, eat in private. Doing so is self-protection and absolutely nothing to be ashamed of.

Seek Support
Untangling yourself from the grip of our toxic diet culture can be downright challenging.

I encourage you to seek support from a weight-neutral, anti-diet practitioner who can help you let go of the beliefs and behaviors (and games) that are no longer serving you. You deserve to eat and live freely.