My Resolution Went Awry

A few decades ago, I started the new year resolving to lose weight once and for all. 

After years of attempting to reach my ideal size, I was more determined than ever to drop some pounds and keep them off for good. 

My initial strategy was to ramp up my exercise and make different food choices, like eating more vegetables and fewer sweets. Seemed reasonable enough.

After losing a few pounds, people started complimenting me on my smaller size (“You look so good!”) and my eating decisions (“You’re so good!”). Their praise felt really good—and it motivated me to pull the reins in tighter. 

Downward Spiral
What seemed like a healthy resolution quickly spiraled into a disordered relationship with food and exercise. 

My list of food and exercise rules grew. I cut out more and more foods and ran more and more miles. 

I meticulously counted calories in and out (on paper and spreadsheets—apps weren't a thing back then).

Soon, my entire life was consumed by my desire to control my weight. I thought about food and my body constantly.

I neglected my relationships, my job, my social life—basically anything that threatened my desire for control. 

I stopped going to lunch with coworkers because I didn’t want to eat off plan. 

I would no longer go out on Saturday nights as I feared drinking “empty calories,” plus I had to get up early to work out. 

If I did go to a party, I was never fully present as I was preoccupied with all the forbidden foods I wanted to eat but wouldn’t let myself have.

I was chronically late to work because I just had to run one more mile before going into the office.

I underate during the day then overate at night. I freaked out if I ate “badly” and compensated by eating less and exercising more. 

And, naturally, since I was food policing myself, I often food policed other people’s food choices (“Do you know how many grams of sugar are in that?!”). 

I constantly checked my body and kept moving the goalposts. I’d reach my target weight and then aim for a lower number. It was never enough. 

What I was trying to control ended up controlling me. 

Disordered Eating Gateway
Although I’ve shared parts of my story before, I wanted to bring it up again as it’s so very tempting and understandable to go on a diet in the new year, especially since we’re bombarded with seductive success-story ads and everyone around us seems to be dieting.

While I've been anti-diet for some years now due to everything I've learned both personally and professionally, I completely believe in body autonomy including the right to diet. 

I also feel it's important to know what weight-loss companies and advocates will never tell you, namely the numerous ways dieting can harm you physically and physiologically. 

And they will certainly never warn you that for many people, dieting is a gateway to disordered eating, and for some, to actual eating disorders.

When you reflect on your dieting history, in what ways has dieting harmed you?

What Food Peace Looks Like

I talk a lot about making peace with food.

While you may have a sense of what I’m referring to, I thought it would be helpful to give some examples of what it actually looks like. 

You know you’ve made peace with food when…

• You stop judging your day and yourself as good or bad based on what you ate.

• You no longer feel anxious, bad or guilty about your food choices and eating behaviors.

• You don’t feel preoccupied with food and obsess over every morsel you put in your mouth.

• You stop adhering to food rules and letting diet culture dictate your eating.

• You eat whatever sounds satisfying, tastes satisfying and feels satisfying in your body.

• You no longer think you have to make up for your eating by exercising more, eating less at your next meal, or going on a cleanse or diet.

• You trust yourself to keep previously off-limits foods in your house because you’re no longer afraid you’ll lose control with them.

• You no longer feel your eating requires self-control and willpower.

• You're excited to attend social events again because you’re no longer worried you’ll blow your diet.

• You order what you truly want at restaurants rather than basing your decision on what you think you should eat or what your companions are eating.

• You stop believing you have to earn the right to eat something by exercising, skipping meals or being “good” all day.

• You no longer eat in secret because you aren’t ashamed anymore of your desires. 

• You have much more time, energy and headspace for more fulfilling, meaningful and fun things.

• You just eat and move on.

I could list more examples, but I think you get the idea. 

I encourage you to reflect on what food peace would look like for you. How would it change your life?

It's Worth It, Your Worth It
Of course, making peace with food doesn’t happen overnight. 

For most of us, the road to food peace is long, winding and rocky. 

However, no matter how bumpy, scary and challenging your journey may be, the freedom, ease and peace you’ll discover along the way are so very worth it. You're worth it.

Why You Obsess About Food

Do you spend a lot of time, energy and headspace thinking about food?

Is it hard to focus on work, concentrate on a book or show, or stay present while socializing or parenting because you’re distracted by thoughts about what you’re allowed to eat, when you’re allowed to eat, what you shouldn’t have eaten, or what you really want to eat but won’t let yourself have?

If this describes your experience, it’s most likely because:

1/ You are not eating enough

and/or

2/ You are not eating what you really want

If you are restricting your food intake because you are following a plan, program or rules that dictate your eating, it’s only natural that you will feel both physically and psychologically deprived and thus be preoccupied with food.*

Not About Willpower, Discipline or Addiction
Constant thoughts about food are not due to a lack of willpower, poor self-discipline or food addiction, despite what our diet culture wants you to believe.

When your very wise body is not getting its nourishment needs met due to food scarcity, deprivation and undereating, it will do everything it can to get you to eat, including flooding your mind with thoughts of food.

In order to stop obsessing about food, you need to:

1/ Honor Your Hunger
Eat as soon as possible when subtle hunger sensations surface—or before they do if you anticipate becoming hungry yet circumstances won’t enable you to stop and eat (e.g., a work situation where eating isn’t possible).

If you have a hard time sensing your hunger cues, which can be the result of dieting, medication, certain health conditions, trauma and other factors, set an alarm on your phone or watch reminding you to eat at regular intervals. 

In general, you want to eat about every two to four waking hours depending on what and how much you consume at each sitting. For example, if you prefer to eat small meals or snacks throughout the day instead of larger meals, you may need to eat about every two hours.

Should you feel tempted to ignore the alarm when it goes off, remind yourself that you need to eat food to stop obsessing about food.  

2/ Eat Unconditionally
Give yourself full, unconditional permission to eat what you truly want whenever you want it—assuming you have access to it and don’t have any limitations due to a health condition, such as a nut allergy or celiac disease. 

Giving yourself the freedom to eat unconditionally isn’t being reckless or indulgent. It's about ditching external food rules that disconnect you from your body’s needs and desires and instead eating whatever tastes and feels the most satisfying to you.

Space for More Fulfilling Things
When your body’s nourishment needs are fully met and you no longer feel a sense of scarcity, deprivation and dissatisfaction with food, it will take a balanced place in your life.

You will think about food much less, ultimately freeing up space for more fulfilling, meaningful things.

If you have a long history of dieting and disordered eating, honoring your hunger and giving yourself unconditional permission to eat will likely feel very scary and challenging at first.

Your eating may feel off-kilter or out-of-sorts; this is a normal part of the process. Once you and your body truly trust that your needs will be consistently met, these feelings will subside. 

It’s essential to be patient and compassionate with yourself and, if possible, to get support from an Intuitive Eating-informed counselor, therapist, nutritionist or online community.

I encourage you to also keep reminding yourself of what’s on the other side of this often hard and messy work: a peaceful, balanced and liberating relationship with food.

*It’s important to note that these feelings can also be due to food insecurity if you don’t have reliable access to enough food because of financial constraints or other barriers. If this is the case, I encourage you to seek out local food banks and public assistance programs. Here’s a helpful place to start.