My Resolution Went Awry

A few decades ago, I started the new year resolving to lose weight once and for all. 

After years of attempting to reach my ideal size, I was more determined than ever to drop some pounds and keep them off for good. 

My initial strategy was to ramp up my exercise and make different food choices, like eating more vegetables and fewer sweets. Seemed reasonable enough.

After losing a few pounds, people started complimenting me on my smaller size (“You look so good!”) and my eating decisions (“You’re so good!”). Their praise felt really good—and it motivated me to pull the reins in tighter. 

Downward Spiral
What seemed like a healthy resolution quickly spiraled into a disordered relationship with food and exercise. 

My list of food and exercise rules grew. I cut out more and more foods and ran more and more miles. 

I meticulously counted calories in and out (on paper and spreadsheets—apps weren't a thing back then).

Soon, my entire life was consumed by my desire to control my weight. I thought about food and my body constantly.

I neglected my relationships, my job, my social life—basically anything that threatened my desire for control. 

I stopped going to lunch with coworkers because I didn’t want to eat off plan. 

I would no longer go out on Saturday nights as I feared drinking “empty calories,” plus I had to get up early to work out. 

If I did go to a party, I was never fully present as I was preoccupied with all the forbidden foods I wanted to eat but wouldn’t let myself have.

I was chronically late to work because I just had to run one more mile before going into the office.

I underate during the day then overate at night. I freaked out if I ate “badly” and compensated by eating less and exercising more. 

And, naturally, since I was food policing myself, I often food policed other people’s food choices (“Do you know how many grams of sugar are in that?!”). 

I constantly checked my body and kept moving the goalposts. I’d reach my target weight and then aim for a lower number. It was never enough. 

What I was trying to control ended up controlling me. 

Disordered Eating Gateway
Although I’ve shared parts of my story before, I wanted to bring it up again as it’s so very tempting and understandable to go on a diet in the new year, especially since we’re bombarded with seductive success-story ads and everyone around us seems to be dieting.

While I've been anti-diet for some years now due to everything I've learned both personally and professionally, I completely believe in body autonomy including the right to diet. 

I also feel it's important to know what weight-loss companies and advocates will never tell you, namely the numerous ways dieting can harm you physically and physiologically. 

And they will certainly never warn you that for many people, dieting is a gateway to disordered eating, and for some, to actual eating disorders.

When you reflect on your dieting history, in what ways has dieting harmed you?