I Just Want to Eat Like a Normal Person

A comment I often hear is:

“I just want to eat like a normal person.”

To better understand where someone is coming from, I always ask:

“What does normal eating mean to you?”

Of course, everyone responds differently depending upon the impact our diet culture and confusing food environment has had on a person's relationship with food.

However, almost all the answers are packed full of “shoulds” and “should nots,” such as:

• I shouldn't eat so much.

• I shouldn't think about food all the time.

• I should eat fewer carbs.

• I shouldn’t grab the chip bag when I’m stressed.

• I should be able to control my sweet tooth.

• I should eat more vegetables.

• I should eat only whole foods; no processed foods.

• I shouldn’t snack at night.  

• I should avoid anything with added sugars.

• I shouldn’t have seconds.

• I should never keep chocolate or ice cream in my house.

• I shouldn't be an emotional eater.

• I should only eat dessert once a week.

• I shouldn’t eat so much cheese and bread.

Normal to Not Eat Normally
Sadly, it’s pretty normal these days to not know what it means to eat normally—or how to do it.

The definition of normal (or healthy) eating for many people has come to include a lot of restrictions. The result: a disconnection from your body, a fraught relationship with food, and feelings of guilt and shame when you break the rules.

When my clients ask me what normal eating looks like, I often refer to Ellyn Satter, a well-known expert on feeding dynamics and eating competence. She created the following definition 35 years ago. Despite how much our food landscape and diet culture constantly changes, her words remain true.

Normal Eating is...
Normal eating is going to the table hungry and eating until you are satisfied.

It is being able to choose food you enjoy and eat it and truly get enough of it—not just stop eating because you think you should.

Normal eating is being able to give some thought to your food selection so you get nutritious food, but not being so wary and restrictive that you miss out on enjoyable food.

Normal eating is giving yourself permission to eat sometimes because you are happy, sad or bored, or just because it feels good.

Normal eating is mostly three meals a day, or four or five, or it can be choosing to munch along the way.

It is leaving some cookies on the plate because you know you can have some again tomorrow, or it is eating more now because they taste so wonderful.

Normal eating is overeating at times, feeling stuffed and uncomfortable. And it can be undereating at times and wishing you had more.

Normal eating is trusting your body to make up for your mistakes in eating.

Normal eating takes up some of your time and attention, but keeps its place as only one important area of your life.

In short, normal eating is flexible. It varies in response to your hunger, your schedule, your proximity to food and your feelings.

Truly Liberating
I love how Satter's interpretation of normal eating removes all the judgement, moralism, rigidity, rules, deprivation, willpower and perfectionism that are so common in our relationship with food these days.

Instead, her definition supports a way of eating that is intuitive, pleasurable, sustainable, nourishing and truly liberating.

You can access a PDF of Satter's definition to post on your fridge here. She also offers many helpful resources on her website. 

“Normal Eating is…” Copyright (c) 2018 by Ellyn Satter. Published at www.EllynSatterInstitute.org.

How to Survive a Bad Body Day

Have you ever started your day feeling one way about your body and ended it feeling completely differently—even though nothing about your body changed?

No matter how much work we put toward loving and accepting our bodies, some days it can still be downright challenging.

When you’re not digging the skin you’re in, it's tempting to go into fix-it mode.

The tendency is to pull the reins in tighter. It sounds something like “Carbs are out!” or “I will exercise for 90 minutes every day!” or “Sweets are off-limits!” or “No eating after 7 p.m.”

Instead of jumping into another plan that’s unsustainable, unenjoyable, ignores your body wisdom, and often leads to the vicious cycle of restrict-binge-repent-repeat, try the following strategies for surviving a bad body day.

Recognize that this feeling, like all feelings, will pass.
How you feel about your body can change from moment to moment, especially in the beginning of your body acceptance journey. The key is to not let these temporary feelings convince you that you need to urgently do something about your body and eating, which typically backfires.

Stay focused on self-care practices that are sustainable and pleasurable. 
Squash your negative feelings with body kindness, which includes daily self-care practices that are both sustainable and pleasurable.

This might be getting enough sleep, spending time in nature, engaging in joyful movement, relishing a nighttime cup of tea, wearing comfortable clothing, slathering your body with a luxurious lotion, or taking time for stillness.

Reflect on everything you appreciate about your body.
Perhaps you’re grateful for your strong legs that enable you to hike, your eyes that allow you to see so much beauty, your arms that enable you to hug your loved ones, or your heart for beating all on its own.

Look for the heaviness in your life.
Ask yourself: If I wasn’t obsessing about my body, what would I be thinking about? What’s going on in my life that’s causing me to feel this way about my body? What heavy emotion am I experiencing, independent of my body?

When you experience uncomfortable feelings, like anxiety, vulnerability, sadness or loneliness, it’s not unusual for your body to become a dumping ground for these heavy emotions.

Instead of dealing with the emotions, you may channel them toward your body and try to eliminate your emotional heaviness by focusing on changing your body.

Get support.
Reach out to someone—a therapist, coach, friend—who can help you unpack what you’re experiencing and assist you with building a toolkit for navigating future episodes of body negativity.

With patience and practice, over time you’ll discover your bad body days happen less frequently. When they do, you’ll no longer react to them with fear, panic and a fix-it mindset, but rather respond to them with compassion, curiosity and kindness.

What to Do When Someone is Policing Your Eating

Do you ever feel like you’re being patrolled by the food police, whether it’s a family member, partner, friend or co-worker?

Food policing sounds something like:

• Should you really be eating that?

• Gosh, you're eating again?

• Do you really need more?

• You sure can put it away!

• Don’t you know how bad that is for you?

• Wow! You must really be hungry!

• Once on your lips, forever on your hips.

• Are you really going to eat all of that?

• Looks like you'll need to hit the gym tomorrow.

• Someone's being naughty!

If you’ve ever been the victim of food policing (like my brownie shaming and dinner party incidents), you know it’s never helpful. More often than not, it leaves you feeling humiliated, guilty, ashamed, angry, resentful or rebellious—or all of the above!

Regardless of the food cop’s intentions, you have the right to eat whatever you want—whenever, wherever and however you want it—without having someone negatively comment on, criticize, judge or question your choices.

Set Your Boundaries
When the food police show up, it’s important to stand up for yourself by setting and protecting your boundaries. How you do so will naturally depend on the comment, the commenter and the situation, however, here are some responses to consider.

• I know you mean well, but your comments are not helpful.

• What I eat is truly none of your business.

• I trust myself to give my body what it needs and not be influenced by other people’s views.

• Please don’t make comments about my eating.

• Yes, I am going to eat it and I won’t stand for being shamed about it.

• What led you to think I want you to police my eating? Please don't do it again.

• You mind your own plate and I'll mind mine.

• You’re out of line. It’s absolutely not okay to comment on my food choices.

• Yes, and I'm going to savor every single bite.

• Say nothing, blow the food cop a kiss, then walk away to enjoy your food in peace.

Guilty of Food Policing?
Perhaps you’re guilty of policing other people’s food choices. I'm sorry to say I’ve done it myself in the past and have worked hard to change my ways.

Not only is it important to set your own boundaries, it’s equally important to respect other people’s boundaries, too.

If you catch yourself stepping into the role of the food police, hit the brakes. Should a comment slip out, immediately apologize.

Remembering how it feels to be on the receiving end of an unsolicited food comment will help you think twice before you open your mouth.

Your Internal Food Police
In addition to external food police, many of us struggle with internal food police. These are the voices in your head that tell you that you’re “good” or “bad” based on what or how you ate.

Your food police try to enforce the unreasonable rules diet culture has created, and make you feel guilty and ashamed about your food choices.

In order to make peace with food, you must fire your internal food police by challenging your beliefs and rules and removing any moralism and judgment surrounding food. Doing so is a critical step toward reclaiming the Intuitive Eater within you.