Please Don't Comment on My Weight

Years ago, when I was obsessed with losing weight, people frequently complimented my self-discipline and smaller body.

Although well-intentioned, what they didn’t realize was that their praise further fueled my disordered relationship with food and exercise.

It also intensified my fatphobia and reinforced the false belief that my “after” body was better than my “before” body.

When I regained the weight, people made comments to me about this, too.

Their remarks amplified the shame I felt about not being able to keep the weight off and made me want to hide from the world. They also triggered a desire to start undereating and overexercising again.

I didn’t know at the time that my experience was typical, that about 95 percent of dieters regain the weight they lose. Maybe if I had, I would have felt less shame and more self-compassion.

I also didn’t know that it’s inappropriate to comment on someone’s body without their consent. Doing so is so normalized in our culture, that I never stopped to question it, until I realized how harmful it can be.

How to Respond
Whether someone says "I'm concerned about your weight gain" or “You look great! Have you lost weight?” or “Wow, you’ve really packed on the pounds!” the main implications are that your weight is one of the most important things about you and that a smaller body is a better body, which, despite what our toxic diet culture wants us to believe, is completely untrue.

It’s often hard to know how to respond to comments like these. Following are a handful of responses to try out.

• Please don’t comment on my body without my consent.

• I don’t talk about anyone’s weight, including my own.

• My weight is the least interesting thing about me! Let’s talk about more interesting things.

• I feel uncomfortable talking about my weight. Would you be willing to not bring it up again?

• It’s not okay to comment on someone’s body size, including mine.

• Your comment is inappropriate. My body is nobody’s business.

• I don’t focus on my weight and would like you to do the same.

• Ew, it’s kinda creepy that you’re monitoring my body.

• My weight is not up for discussion, now or ever.

• Who made it your job to track my weight?

• Please don’t bring up my weight without my permission.

• I know you mean well, but your comments are unhelpful.

• (Shrug) It’s normal for bodies to change.

Do What's Best for You
Responding to weight comments can feel awkward and these replies may not roll off your tongue the first few times you use them. I still get tongue-tied sometimes.

I encourage you to experiment with them, modify them, or use them as a jumping off point for creating responses that best suit your needs.

In time, you will land on a few replies that work well for you. Of course, how you respond or if you respond at all will depend on the situation you’re in.

Unless you have the time, energy and desire to engage in a larger conversation about why weight comments are inappropriate and harmful, I suggest responding briefly then switching the topic. You don’t owe anyone an explanation or an education.

If you don’t feel up to saying anything or comfortable or safe doing so, shrugging, changing the subject or walking away might be the best path to take. Again, you don't owe anyone anything.

Lastly, it’s important to keep in mind that when someone comments on your weight, it says far more about them and their own internalized weight bias than it does about you and your body.

I Freaked Out Over a Few Calories

When I was obsessed with losing weight, I was hypervigilant about every single morsel that entered my mouth.

One of my permitted snacks was sea-salt soy crisps. I would carefully count out one serving, putting 21 crisps into a bowl. By eating this exact portion, I could stay on track with my daily calorie limit.

If my boyfriend innocently grabbed a handful from my bowl and tossed them into his mouth, I’d angrily snap at him. Unsure of how many he ate, I’d anxiously try to determine the correct number to replace.

Calorie Count Freak-Out
One day, after months of eating these soy crisps, I happened to glance at the nutrition facts label on the back of the package. To my horror, the serving size had changed from 21 crisps to 17, yet the calories remained the same. I had no idea how long ago the change had been made. I only knew that I had been eating more calories than I had been calculating.

I was so incensed, I fired off an irate email to the company’s customer service department. I complained about how incredibly misled I felt. I believed I’d been deceived and demanded an explanation.

I don’t remember what the company’s written response was, but I do remember they graciously sent me some coupons.

When I recalled this event years later, I felt deeply embarrassed and ashamed. I can’t imagine what the person who received my email must have thought about me.

Didn't Like Who I Became
While I still feel a tad bit embarrassed, I now see this experience as a powerful example of the negative impact dieting can have on not only your physical health, but also your mental and emotional health—and your relationships.

Once a fun-loving, easygoing gal, my obsession with weight loss and restrictive eating behaviors turned me into a rigid, uptight person who would quickly freak out over a few calories.

I didn’t like the person I had become—and frankly, neither did the people around me.

It was so helpful to remember this—along with the many other ways dieting harmed me—when I was working on healing my relationship with food and my body.

Whenever I felt tempted to diet again, I would remind myself that I never wanted to be that person again.

Lost Myself and More
I feel so much compassion for myself when I was entrenched in diet culture as I truly believed I was doing what I was supposed to do to be healthy and happy. I had no idea how unhealthy and unhappy dieting would make me.

I didn’t know that my desire to lose weight would result in me losing myself along with many other things I deeply valued.

How has dieting changed you?

In what ways has it negatively impacted who you are and how you act?

What parts of yourself have you lost?

Diet Companies Will Never Tell You This...

We’re already halfway through February yet the New Year’s onslaught of diet ads continues.

If feels like no matter what I watch or listen to these days—and I consume a wide variety of content—I’m bombarded with messages from diet companies claiming to have finally found the solution for successful weight loss (and hence everlasting health and happiness, of course).

It’s Not a “Diet”
In an attempt to be more appealing and acceptable to today’s consumers, especially those who feel they have “failed” with traditional diets (or watched their parents do so), most diet companies are careful to claim their offerings aren’t diets but rather “wellness plans,” “lifestyle changes” or “psychology-based programs.”

Yet, they offer pretty much the same old stuff perhaps with a few new bells and whistles thrown in.

If a program tells you what, how much and/or when you’re allowed to eat, it’s a diet.

If it includes counting calories/points/macros, categorizing food, cutting out foods, logging exercise and tracking your weight, it's a diet.

I want to scream when the dieters/actors in these ads exclaim how easy it’s been to lose X pounds in just X weeks.

The truth is, you can lose weight on almost any diet, no matter what it’s called.

What the diet companies don’t tell you, however, is there is only about a five-percent chance you will maintain your weight loss.

They also don’t tell you it’s likely you’ll regain more weight than you lost as up to two-thirds of dieters typically do.*

So much for the “life-long” or “permanent” results they often promise to deliver!

One has to wonder how they even go about tracking their “lifetime” results.

Warning: Potential Side Effects
In addition to rebound weight gain, following are some of the other potential side effects of dieting you aren’t warned about:

• Leads to harmful food rules, disordered eating and eating disorders

• Increases food obsession and body preoccupation

• Triggers intense cravings and binge-like eating

• Reduces your ability to recognize and honor your hunger and fullness cues

• Makes you scared to eat in situations where you won’t have complete control over the food

• Causes you to miss out on shared eating experiences with family and friends

• Drives you to sneak food and eat in secret

• Makes you afraid to keep certain foods in your house out of a fear of losing control with them

• Brings about mood swings and emotional eating

• Provokes feelings of guilt, shame, anxiety, fear and hopelessness

• Erodes body trust, self-trust, self-esteem and confidence

• Results in weight cycling (yo-yo dieting), which can lead to adverse health conditions

• Slows your metabolism

• Increases your hunger-signaling hormone while decreasing your fullness-signaling hormone

• Raises your cortisol level because dieting is inherently stressful

• Encourages a disordered relationship with exercise

• Consumes most of your time, energy and headspace, while other parts of your life suffer, like your relationships, social life, career and hobbies

If you have a history of dieting, you’re likely quite familiar with many of these outcomes.

It’s also likely you’ve blamed yourself and your lack of willpower and self-discipline when a diet didn’t work.

Please understand this: You don’t fail a diet—a diet fails you!

Never Be Allowed
Imagine if diet companies, like drug manufacturers, had to include all of the potential side effects of dieting in their advertisements.

Here's what the originators of Intuitive Eating, Evelyn Tribole and Elyse Resch, have to say about the futility of dieting and the harm it can cause:

“If dieting programs had to stand up to the same scrutiny as medication, they would never be allowed for public consumption. Imagine, for example, taking an asthma medication, which improves your breathing for a few weeks, but in the long run, causes your lungs and breathing to worsen.”

Become Fully Informed
When you’re unhappy with your eating and your body, the success stories promoted in the diet ads can understandably tempt you to try one more diet.

I get it. I’ve been there myself.

The desire to diet and lose weight is completely understandable given our weight-stigmatizing, thin-idolizing culture, our tendency to conflate weight with health, and the illusion of control dieting provides in a world full of uncertainty.

While I am anti-diet, I completely believe in body autonomy including the right to diet.

I also believe people should be made aware of the physical and psychological harm dieting can cause so they can make a fully informed decision about what’s truly best for their overall wellbeing. It’s unethical to do otherwise.

If you’re considering participating in an intentional weight loss program, I encourage you to do your research.

Look for solid scientific data demonstrating a program leads to long-term, sustainable weight loss (i.e., multiple years versus a few months) for the majority of its participants—without causing any adverse side effects or requiring constant self-monitoring.

Don’t be surprised, however, if you discover it doesn’t exist! 

Dieting Won’t Bring You Peace and Wellbeing
If you want a healthy, peaceful relationship with food and your body, despite what the $72 billion diet industry wants you to believe, it can’t be achieved through dieting.

Rather than put all your energy toward depriving yourself for a short-term result with potentially harmful long-term consequences, what if you put it towards healing your relationship with food and your body, reclaiming your ability to eat intuitively, and engaging in weight-neutral self-care so you can truly experience the peace, ease and wellbeing you’re longing for?

*For a deep dive into the research behind these stats, I recommend checking out Christy Harrison’s book Anti-Diet.