I Have a Love-Hate Relationship with Food. How About You?

How would you describe your relationship with food?

When I ask people this question, one of the most frequent answers I get is “I have a love-hate relationship with food.”

Some other common responses include:

• Bad

• Complicated

• Obsessive

• Unhealthy

• Stressful

• Guilt-ridden

• Difficult

• Controlling

• All-or-nothing

• Out of control

• Compulsive

• Anxiety-filled

• Secretive

• Negative

• Judgmental

• Fearful

• Punitive

Do any of these descriptors resonate with you?

See It Differently Now
Many years ago, when I was restricting my eating in an effort to lose weight and “eat clean," I probably would have described my relationship with food as good, healthy, disciplined.  

As I was so entrenched in diet and wellness cultures, I couldn’t see how disordered my eating had become. I thought I was being good, doing the right thing. 

This belief was often reinforced by many of the people around me, who often praised my eating. I don’t blame them. We live in a culture that normalizes and celebrates disordered eating. 

Ironically, I also considered myself to be a passionate foodie even though I rarely ate anything that wasn't on my diet-approved list. Instead, I took a lot of joy in watching others consume the foods I was excited about.

Looking back now, I would describe my relationship with food as all-consuming, hypervigilant, calculated, rigid, black-and-white, moralistic, fraught, tense, isolating and utterly exhausting. 

I feel sad and regretful when I reflect on that time, and also incredibly grateful I got out of such a dysfunctional relationship.

Of course, some aspects of it were pleasurable, at least for brief moments until I reached the point of uncomfortable fullness (overeating is a natural response to food deprivation), and before my inner Food Police started shouting at me (“You ate so bad! You need to make up for it!”).

What Do You Want?
In addition to asking folks how they would describe their relationship with food, I also like to ask what type of relationship they would like to have.

Easy, guilt-free, peaceful, positive, pleasurable and neutral are just a few of the words that come to mind.

"I just want food to be food" is a common refrain.

When you reflect on this question, what comes up for you? 

And what’s standing in between where you are now and where you would like to be?

Is It Ok to Eat Sweet Potatoes? When Food Stresses You Out

Many years ago, when I was deeply entrenched in wellness culture, I was listening to an episode of a popular podcast that was all about optimizing your health.

The host and his guest were taking calls from listeners. I’ll never forget one listener who called in to ask if sweet potatoes were allowed on the particular “lifestyle diet” she was following. 

I was struck by the distraught tone of her voice and how stressed she was about whether or not it was okay to eat a sweet potato. 

Of course, there was a part of me that related to her struggle. 

While I never restricted sweet potatoes, I certainly restricted many other foods I considered “bad."

Like her, I often felt confused about what I should or shouldn’t be eating and feared breaking a food rule as doing so felt catastrophic. I identified with her desire to eat perfectly and her need to be in control of every morsel she consumed.

And, I understood all too well the overwhelming, relentless stress and anxiety that comes along with all of this. 

I Felt Sad, Too
However, there was also a part of me that felt sad—sad for her and sad about the entire situation. 

I remember thinking there was something not quite right about being so stressed out about eating a particular food—and something not quite right about three adults discussing the pros and cons of her eating it.

It was distressing to consider how much time and energy we were all wasting on our quest to be perfect, healthy eaters when there were so many more important, meaningful and fulfilling things to focus on. 

Was this really the best use of our lives? 

And, if what we were doing in the “name of health” was causing us so much emotional stress, was it really healthy?

Started to Question
It was moments like these that caused me to start questioning wellness culture, which is mostly diet culture in disguise, and my participation in it.

I was beginning to see the many ways it can trigger disordered eating with all its fearmongering, good and bad foods, eat this, not that lists, and gazillion other often conflicting and harmful messages, all largely driven by anti-fat bias.

I started to examine my own food rules and fears, including investigating where they came from, the evidence behind them, and if they truly supported my wellbeing. 

I discovered that none of them were warranted.

They disconnected me from my body, caused a lot of needless suffering and stress, and stopped me from having an intuitive, satisfying and peaceful relationship with food.

Of course, if I had a health condition that necessitated avoiding a specific food, like Celiac disease or a shellfish allergy, trepidation about consuming gluten, shrimp, etc. would be an understandable, rational fear. 

I hope the sweet-potato lady eventually overcame her unnecessary food fears, ditched her stressful rules and found her way to food freedom. And, I hope you do, too. 

My Summer Reading List

I’m an avid reader and love losing myself in a good book. 

My reading list is long, and I usually have three different books going at any given moment so I can easily turn to whichever one I’m in the mood for.

Following are a few books regarding diet and wellness cultures, disordered eating, anti-fat bias, body liberation and more that I’m excited to dive into this summer. Perhaps you will be, too.

Please note, I’ve provided links to Amazon but also encourage folks to buy from their favorite independent bookseller or to check out books from their local library.

Fat Talk: Parenting in the Age of Diet Culture
Virginia Sole-Smith
This New York Times best seller "exposes the daily onslaught of fatphobia and body shaming that kids face" and offers strategies for navigating our harmful diet culture and weight-stigmatizing world.

Whether or not you have kids, if you’re desiring anti-diet, fat-positive content, I recommend checking out this book as well as Sole-Smith's Burnt Toast newsletter, podcast and online community.

The Wellness Trap: Break Free from Diet Culture, Disinformation and Dubious Diagnosis and Find Your True Well-Being
Christy Harrison
When I had an unhealthy obsession with healthy eating, I rarely questioned anything I heard and read. If I had been taught, by resources such as this book, to view diet and wellness content through a more critical lens (e.g., Is this fad evidence-based? How solid is the research behind this claim?), I would have saved myself a lot of time, money and unnecessary suffering.

I'm also a big fan of Harrison's first book, Anti-Diet, and recommend it as a great place to start if you're new to this world. 

The Body Liberation Project: How Understanding Racism and Diet Culture Helps Cultivate Joy and Build Collective Freedom
Chrissy King
Through a combination of memoir, cultural analysis, exercises and prompts, King guides her readers on an exploration of how racism intersects with the diet, wellness and fitness industries and urges us to aim for body liberation instead of body positivity.

What’s Eating Us: Women, Food, and the Epidemic of Body Anxiety
Cole Kazdin 
Weaving together her personal story with investigative reporting, Kazdin examines how disordered eating has become both normalized and encouraged in our appearance-obsessed, weight-stigmatizing culture and how our flawed treatment systems can hinder recovery.

Recent Reads
I want to also mention two books I’ve recently read that I also recommend: Weightless and Reclaiming Body Trust.

Virtual Book Club, Anyone?
I relish talking to others about the books we’re reading and am considering starting a virtual book club to discuss important works like these. If this sounds like something you'd like to participate in, I’d love to hear from you.

Note: In alliance with the fat-acceptance community, I use fat as a neutral descriptor.