Do You Should On Yourself?

Does any of this sound familiar?

• I should eat healthier.
• I should exercise more.
• I should go to bed earlier.
• I should cook more.
• I should drink less wine.

I'm guessing you can relate in some way. Most of us, however, don't realize how ineffective a "should" mindset is.

The Trance of Should
When you get stuck in the trance of should, you embed yourself in a negative thought pattern that stirs up feelings of guilt, shame, anxiety and self-contempt. A sense of unworthiness or “I’m not okay as I am” arises leading to tension, contraction and heaviness in the body.  

A should is an unnecessary, self-chosen stressor that often results in overwhelm, frustration, despair and burnout.

No Heart in Should
When you do things simply because you should, your actions lack authenticity, wholeheartedness and pleasure. It’s hard to generate genuine enthusiasm and sustainable motivation when you’re up against a big, heavy should.

Deconstruct Your Shoulds
I have a friend who every few months takes up running only to quit a few weeks later because he hates it. Why does he do this? Because he believes it’s what he should do to have a better body.

What if he stopped to deconstruct the source of this self-imposed should? What or who really drives its? There are a million different ways to exercise; why does he believe that running is the one thing he must do to be right with himself?

How would he feel if he let go of this belief and stopped trying to force himself to do something that isn’t in alignment with his true nature? I’m guessing pretty darn free.

Investigate the Root of Your Should
Operating from a place of should is very disempowering. When you catch yourself shoulding on yourself, stop and investigate the thought.

Ask yourself why you think you should do something. Inquire if you’re trying to live up to someone else’s expectations or society’s standards. Is your should in alignment with your true self and desires?

Liberate Yourself: Swap Should for Could
It's also very helpful to swap your should for could. This gives you the freedom of choice and is much more positive, empowering and liberating. For example:

• I could eat healthier.
• I could exercise more.
• I could go to bed earlier.
• I could drink less wine.
• I could cook more.

Now, investigate with curiosity and compassion if it's something you really want, and if so, what’s stopping you from taking action. Many of us know what we could be doing, but don’t do it because we don’t have the know-how, support or accountability to get unstuck and make lasting change.

I help my clients identify the roadblocks that prevent them from fulfilling their desires. We break down their barriers to change then focus on cultivating lifelong healthy habits not because they should, but because they feel good. As a result, their actions become more effortless, relaxed, pleasurable and sustainable. To learn more, click here to request a complimentary consultation call.

What I'm Tuning Into [Favorite Podcasts]

I’m a podcast junkie. 

I listen to them while I cook, clean, walk, drive and ride the bus. They make washing dishes, folding laundry and sitting in traffic so much more enjoyable.

I love how podcasts enrich my life. They fill my mind with new ideas and different perspectives, inspire me to take a different path, help me better understand myself, make me laugh, cry and ponder, and nourish my soul.

I listen to a variety of podcasts from Fresh Air and Freakonomics to Dear Sugar. Here are a few of my favs in the realms of health and well-being that you may enjoy as well:

Psychology of Eating
Breakthrough coaching sessions with Marc David, one of my teachers and the founder of the Institute for the Psychology of Eating. Covers topics from cravings and emotional eating to chronic dieting and body image.

Tara Brach
Weekly dharma talks and guided meditations by Tara Brach, a well-known, warm, wise and witty meditation teacher, author and psychologist.

The Splendid Table
An enlightening and entertaining show on all things food, from culture and politics to history and cooking tips. I also enjoy The Sporkful, America’s Test Kitchen Radio and Bon Appetit Foodcast.

Happier with Gretchen Rubin
Tips on how to make and break habits, and live an overall happier life, from New York Times best-selling author Gretchen Rubin and her sidekick sister. 

On Being
Krista Tippett asks big questions on the meaning of life in her provocative conversations with a range of thought leaders from artists, authors and activists to philosophers, researchers and scientists.

10% Happier
Newsman and author Dan Harris talks with smart people about mindfulness and meditation for fidgety skeptics.

Perhaps one or some of these podcasts will resonate with you, too, and provide some good company on your next summer road trip.

Happy Listening!

She Can Eat Whatever She Wants; I Gain Weight Just Looking at Cake

Do you often find yourself sinking into compare-and-despair mode?

In the realm of food and body, it sounds something like this:

• It’s so unfair that she can eat whatever she wants and not gain a pound. I gain weight just looking at cake.
• I’ll never look that good in a swimsuit; her stomach is way flatter than mine.
• Why can’t I have as much willpower as she does when it comes to sugar?
• Everyone in my yoga class is so fit and toned; I’m embarrassed of my flabby body.
• It’s so easy for him to lose weight. Why does it have to be so hard for me?

While it’s human nature to compare yourself to other people, the comparison game usually backfires. When your comparison puts you on the losing end, it often leads to feelings of inadequacy, insecurity, isolation, jealousy, desperation, despair and depression.

Quite simply, comparison is the death of joy.

Comparing yourself to others is a disempowering, futile act that results in unnecessary stress, struggle and suffering. However, rather than judge yourself for falling into the comparison trap (you are human, after all!), you can stop yourself from continually going down this path of self-attack.

Here’s one of my top strategies for ending compare and despair:

Start a gratitude journal.

Every day, write down a handful of things you’re grateful for—big and small. Be sure to include things you appreciate about your body.

For example, recent body-related entries in my gratitude journal included:

• My heart for beating all on its own.
• My eyes for allowing me to witness the magnificent sunrise.
• My strong legs for taking me on a gorgeous coastal hike.
• My arms for enabling me to hug my loved ones.
• My tongue for tasting the delicious dinner I made tonight.

By taking time to reflect on and appreciate all that’s good in your life—including what you cherish about your body—you’ll boost your positivity, improve your body image, elevate your overall well-being, and be much less inclined to compare yourself to others.

This certainly has been the case for me, and for my clients. But don’t just take my word for it—try it out for a few months and see for yourself.