What to Do When Someone is Policing Your Eating

Do you ever feel like you’re being patrolled by the food police, whether it’s a family member, partner, friend or co-worker?

Food policing sounds something like:

• Should you really be eating that?

• Gosh, you're eating again?

• Do you really need more?

• You sure can put it away!

• Don’t you know how bad that is for you?

• Wow! You must really be hungry!

• Once on your lips, forever on your hips.

• Are you really going to eat all of that?

• Looks like you'll need to hit the gym tomorrow.

• Someone's being naughty!

If you’ve ever been the victim of food policing (like my brownie shaming and dinner party incidents), you know it’s never helpful. More often than not, it leaves you feeling humiliated, guilty, ashamed, angry, resentful or rebellious—or all of the above!

Regardless of the food cop’s intentions, you have the right to eat whatever you want—whenever, wherever and however you want it—without having someone negatively comment on, criticize, judge or question your choices.

Set Your Boundaries
When the food police show up, it’s important to stand up for yourself by setting and protecting your boundaries. How you do so will naturally depend on the comment, the commenter and the situation, however, here are some responses to consider.

• I know you mean well, but your comments are not helpful.

• What I eat is truly none of your business.

• I trust myself to give my body what it needs and not be influenced by other people’s views.

• Please don’t make comments about my eating.

• Yes, I am going to eat it and I won’t stand for being shamed about it.

• What led you to think I want you to police my eating? Please don't do it again.

• You mind your own plate and I'll mind mine.

• You’re out of line. It’s absolutely not okay to comment on my food choices.

• Yes, and I'm going to savor every single bite.

• Say nothing, blow the food cop a kiss, then walk away to enjoy your food in peace.

Guilty of Food Policing?
Perhaps you’re guilty of policing other people’s food choices. I'm sorry to say I’ve done it myself in the past and have worked hard to change my ways.

Not only is it important to set your own boundaries, it’s equally important to respect other people’s boundaries, too.

If you catch yourself stepping into the role of the food police, hit the brakes. Should a comment slip out, immediately apologize.

Remembering how it feels to be on the receiving end of an unsolicited food comment will help you think twice before you open your mouth.

Your Internal Food Police
In addition to external food police, many of us struggle with internal food police. These are the voices in your head that tell you that you’re “good” or “bad” based on what or how you ate.

Your food police try to enforce the unreasonable rules diet culture has created, and make you feel guilty and ashamed about your food choices.

In order to make peace with food, you must fire your internal food police by challenging your beliefs and rules and removing any moralism and judgment surrounding food. Doing so is a critical step toward reclaiming the Intuitive Eater within you.

I Was So Bad Yesterday, I Ate Too Much...

How often have you thought or said something like the following?

"I was so bad yesterday, I ate way too much…"

"I was a good girl today, I didn’t eat any..."

"This food is one of my guilty pleasures."

"Oh my gosh, this is sinfully delicious..."

"This has only X calories, so I can eat it guilt-free."

If you can relate to any of these, you’re not alone.

I’ve heard thousands of different versions of these statements from my clients. And, for many years, I said or thought them myself.

Removing Morality
A primary focus of my coaching practice is to help my clients cultivate a positive relationship with food and their body. This requires making peace with food.

One of the ways this happens is by removing all morality and judgment from eating (which is often learned from diet culture).

This means not labeling foods as good or bad—and not labeling yourself as good or bad based on what you ate or want to eat.

Labeling foods bad—and yourself as bad based on your food choices—leads to a lot of unnecessary suffering, including all-consuming feelings of guilt, shame, disappointment and despair.

Your so-called food transgressions may make you feel like you have to repent and punish yourself with food restrictions (e.g., cutting calories, eliminating sugar), excessive exercise or abusive self-talk.

Categorizing foods as bad can also increase the reward value of those foods and trigger intense cravings, overeating and binge eating.

Morally and Emotionally Equal
Of course, nutritionally, all foods are different. Morally and emotionally, however, all foods must be treated equally in order to have a peaceful relationship with food.  

For example, carrots and carrot cake may not be nutritionally equal but they need to be morally and emotionally equal. Neither one is good or bad.

Unless you stole a food or harmed someone to get it, there is absolutely no reason to feel bad, guilty or ashamed about your food choices. 

Liberation is Possible
I’ve seen with my clients and with myself that when you free yourself from food moralism, your eating will be a lot more pleasurable and satisfying.

Thoughts about food will take up less real estate in your brain.

You will trust food and your body more. Feelings of liberation, empowerment and ease will bubble up.

You will discover that there is nothing more delicious than a peaceful relationship with food.

Are You Out of Touch with Your Hunger?

Becoming an intuitive eater (someone who follows internal cues versus external rules) includes honoring your hunger. It's not uncommon, however, to be disconnected from your body’s hunger cues.

If you’ve been suppressing your hunger signals for a long time, it’s possible you’ve lost your physical sensitivity to them.

For example, if you have a history of dieting, you may have become accustomed to denying and tuning out your hunger. It gets silenced.

If you live a very chaotic, demanding and fast-paced life, you may ignore your hunger, especially if you feel it’s not a priority or there’s no time to eat.

Unrelenting stress and distractions can also dull your senses, making it hard to hear your hunger. So can sleep deprivation.

Perhaps you don’t realize what you're experiencing is actually a sign of hunger. We typically think hunger is felt in the stomach, however, any of the following sensations and symptoms can indicate hunger:

• Difficulty concentrating or articulating your thoughts (i.e., brain fog)
• Feeling light-headed, faint, dizzy, shaky or weak
• Irritability, crankiness or short temper
• Fatigue, low energy or sleepiness
• Dull, gnawing ache in your throat or esophagus
• Headache
• Nausea
• Stomach emptiness, pain, gurgling, rumbling or growling

Vulnerable to Overeating
When you’re not attuned to your hunger signals, you may not eat until you're ravenous, which leaves you vulnerable to impulsive eating, overeating and binge eating. When such primal hunger hits, all intentions of mindful, conscious eating fly out the window.

Cultivating a healthy relationship with food and your body includes responding to hunger when it comes gently knocking. Every time you do, you develop a higher level of trust and connection with your body.

If you have difficulty getting in touch with your hunger and honoring your body’s wisdom, I encourage you to seek support.